“Confessions of a Darshan Junkie….
April 26, 2011
A dear friend emailed me this morning that Sathya Sai Baba died yesterday morning in India. I was sad at the news and then, almost immediately, I felt peace. He was Love on earth and is still Love now.
Sai Baba connects my friend and me in that we both have been in his presence; we both have felt the love that everyone feels when they are with him; and we both have experienced a healing, either of ourselves or someone close to us as a result of our contact with him. This is a story of the healing that I didn’t even know I was receiving for myself – and, because of a letter my friend asked me to bring to Baba – a healing for her daughter.
It was 2003. That was the year that I heard of Sai Baba from Landon Carter, one of the original EST leaders and someone who had lived at Baba’s ashram in India for six or seven months when he was younger. I remember being intrigued when Landon said, “I have never felt such love around anyone the way I felt it around Sai Baba.” Curious, I went to a Google map and looked up where Sai Baba’s ashrams were. I said to myself, “When I go to India, I will go see him.”
At the time, I had no plans to go to India, I had no resources to go to India, and, if I did have the financial resources to go anywhere, India would not be the place I would have chosen.
Shortly after that, I got a job at a mens’ designer firm that I knew was partly owned by an Indian company, but didn’t think much about that. After working there for about four months, the owners told me that I would go to India in November to work on the private label program for the company.
I was going to Bangalore. I knew that Baba’s main ashram was in Prasanthi Nilayam (Abode of Peace), about 3 hours Northeast of Bangalore. I wondered how I would get there. India is not an easy country to get around in. I thought, “Something will happen. I will get there.”
My travel to India was long and arduous. I became sick in the Amsterdam airport as a result of the Maleria medication I was taking, and spent the next two hours in the airport mini-hospital. I missed my plane to Mumbai.
I was so sick, I could not travel until the next day. I wished I could have done something in Amsterdam (my first time there) but was so ill, all I could do was sleep until the next morning, with the doctor calling me at the hotel every 2-3 hours to see how I was doing. I’ve since learned that I had a life-threatening allergic reaction to the Malaria medication.
I was able to get a flight to Delhi the next day. I arrived in the middle of the night, only to find out that, in order to fly to Bangalore, I had to take a taxi from the international terminal to the domestic terminal. Not so difficult, you say?
It was a bumpy ride on a back road in a tiny cab with a smelly, turbaned Indian who spoke no English. It was 3:00 in the morning. As we drove in the pitch-dark night through what seemed like a long, dry country road with no other cars on it, I arrived at an empty terminal building with two gate doors. I paid my taxi driver and got out. I was too tired to be scared — not from the ride in the dark and not of the empty terminal — so I curled up on a filthy seat in the waiting room and slept until the 6AM flight to Bangalore was called.
This was my week in India: one culturally-taxing event after another – during the dry season when everything is dusty and dirty and tin huts line the sides of the roads with dirty, barefoot swamis praying before home-made alters as the noisy traffic rolls by, horns blaring, dust swirling, beggars screaming for your attention and your hand-out. I kept the windows closed on those rides, locked inside the equally dirty cab with three or four of my other co-workers, traveling from hotel to factory, to and fro every day.
We only felt safe eating in the hotel. Even so, I had physical reactions to the food. I never actually got sick to my stomach, but something in the spices made my blood pressure spike to a dangerous level and I had to have the doctor come to the hotel no less than 5 times. He prescribed medication and, if I wasn’t well enough to go into work, he would come back in the afternoon to check on me and take my blood pressure again. Blood pressure medication escalated to anti-anxiety medication and he ordered me to bed. Fortunately, those were the days the samples were being made so I didn’t need to be at the factory every moment. Still, it added to my fear and tentativeness about India. I wished I could go home and sleep in my own bed.
By the end of the week, I was ready to leave India, but had another week to go. I told one of the people in the factory that I wanted to go visit Sai Baba, but had no idea how to do that. I noticed a change in the people with whom I worked the moment I mentioned his name.
On Saturday before the only day I had off, this one woman with whom I had shared my desire to visit Baba told me that she was a devotee of his and she would see what she could do. She came back a few hours later to tell me that the owner of the factory had offered his car and driver to take me to Puttaparthi, where Prasanthi Nilayam is, if she could come with me. Of course!
We woke up at 3AM to start the journey. It is not very far in kilometers, but the journey is on dirt roads through a barren part of India, so the trip took over 3 hours. We arrived about a half hour before “darshan” was supposed to start.
Darshan. How do I explain this? “Darshan” is to be in the presence of a holy person. It is supposed to be the most incredible experience one can have. I had heard of the “darshan junkies” who travel from city to city, around the world, to be in the presence of a holy person in order to experience the “rush” of that experience. I was ambivalent. I mean, really?
I arrived at the ashram at the first light of dawn. As I walked through the gates, I could see hundreds of pairs of shoes. Oh, No! I was going to have to take my shoes off and walk around this dirty place barefoot? Yes, that’s exactly what I was going to have to do.
As we headed to the temple to line up for Darshan, I realized that I needed to go to the bathroom. I had been in the car for 3 ½ hours already, and once we went into the open-air temple, we would not be allowed out – or, if we were, how would I know how to find my companion? There were thousands of devotees there!
The bathroom was primitive. Open holes in the ground with plastic pitchers by each one to wash down the urine and – well, whatever…. And, I’m barefoot and the entire floor is wet from all the water being sloshed about. I was disgusted and upset and wanted to run out of the place and head back to Bangalore!
But, I made it. I took a breath, did what there was to do, and walked out to join my fellow “devotee” to head to the line where they wouldn’t allow us to take anything into the temple, not even a water bottle!
I followed a brightly sarong-ed old woman who could not have been more than 4 ft tall. She kept throwing me dirty looks every time they pushed us closer together in the line. I don’t know how, but I always smiled back – while continuing to think, “What on earth am I doing here?”
They lined us up inside the temple VERY close together and then gestured that we were to sit down. Right there. On the hard tiled and cement floor. No cushions, no pads, no nothing. I knew that my delicate Western behind, hips, and knees were not going to like this – and I was right.
I sat down and curled my legs and feet to one side. In the process of doing so, I accidentally touched the older woman with my foot. The feet are the lowest of the low in India, perhaps only surpassed by the left hand (the bathroom hand). She growled and yelled and pulled her sari tightly around her and brought her legs closer into her body.
“Wow!” I thought, “This is a spiritual devotee of a famous guru?” I was surprised at how “un-spiritual” she seemed to be, but what did I know? I wasn’t sure of anything at that moment except that I had probably made a grave error by coming here.
We sat and waited for a long time. Baba is notorious for being late for Darshan. The crowd grumbled and fidgeted. People glared and tried to pull away, except that there was nowhere to pull away to! Monkeys swung from the rafters, gibbering their monkey talk at the crowd below. Birds flew in and out of the temple, chirping and screaming their hysterical screeching at all the people.
In the distance, I heard the sound of a car starting up. Baba had suffered a fall and had to be driven to and from Darshan every morning and afternoon. The shift in the crowd was palpable. What happened next would be forever burned into my memory — and into my Being.
The chanting started and then the movement – back and forth, hands raised up in front of each devotee, singing out at the top of their lungs, “Om Sri Sai Ram! Sai, Baba Sai, Sai Baba Om” over and over again, until the entire crowd was raising up on their knees, undulating as one body, like a snake curling through the crowd, chanting, chanting, louder and louder…
His car drove into the temple and I saw Baba’s face – he was looking my way – and that was it. I was washed over by a love so pure that everything else faded away. It was the first time in my life that I went from worry and fear to utter Joy in a moment! The tears ran down my cheeks and I had no tissues, so I was wiping them away, making mud of my blusher and foundation and I didn’t care. I curled up onto my knees and joined the sensuous snake, arms raised in devotion and supplication, “Om Sri Sai Ram! Sai, Baba Sai, Sai Baba Om!”
I looked around and everyone looked beautiful. Everything was Joy and I felt such love for all of them. I caught the eye of the old woman and she was transformed – her face was radiant – and she smiled at me with tears in her eyes. I returned the Joy, the tears, the cries of devotion.
Baba went inside the building to meet with the people who had appointments. The rest of us sat outside and watched for glimpses of him – Swami would come to the door every now and then and wave to us – to more chanting and devotion! I remember that he was always smiling.
I looked around – how beautiful it all was! Why didn’t I notice that before?
I sat there for hours, speaking to a woman who had come from South Africa just to be in Baba’s presence – she slept in the sparse accommodations, on a cement floor with no pillow, for $2 a night. She had been there a week.
The joy I felt was astounding. I didn’t want to leave. My hips stopped hurting even as I sat longer and longer on the hard floor, under the monkeys swinging from rafter to rafter. I looked up at them in pure bliss – I would not have it any other way.
After two hours, Baba got back into his car and was driven out of the Temple. I was too joyful to feel sad that he left. I was in the after-glow of Baba’s darshan for hours .
I didn’t want to leave so I talked my companion into getting some food and having a picnic on the grounds.
I bought some Vibhuti, the sacred ash that Baba manifests out of thin air. I bought 5 bags. One for my friend and her daughter and the rest for anyone else who needed healing. I saw very sick people walk into Baba’s temple that morning, only to see them later on, sitting on the grass — with color in their cheeks and laughing and walking and singing. Say what you will, those were miracles of healing.
I was healed, too – healed of my complaints about dirt, dust, bathrooms with plastic pitchers, barefoot gurus, and people touching feet. Everyone is beautiful. Life is Bliss.
That was the day I fell in love with India.
After my life-threatening experience in Amsterdam and my high blood-pressure the week before, I suddenly had no physical complaints at all!
I have not been seriously ill since then.
We found our driver who had been frantically trying to find us, although not frantic enough to miss Darshan. As we walked the grounds, I remembered the letter that my friend had asked me to give to Baba. That was not possible in the temple, but each of the postal boxes was only for mail to Swami. I slipped the letter inside the box.
I drove back to Bangalore in a dreamy state of perfect peace.
I came back to the states and gave my friend her bag of Vibhuti and told her I had mailed the letter to Baba at Prasanthi Nilayam. She was happy.
I forgot about that. Many months later, my friend told me that her daughter had been miraculously healed and was disabled no more.
I was raised a Christian and am one to this day. I DO have unorthodox ideas about what that means, but I know one thing. People followed Christ because he was pure Love – it must have been a blessing to be in his presence — the ultimate darshan! People like Christ, like Baba, like Krishna, like Buddha are Avatars — and they offset much of the evil in the world. I would have loved to have been in Christ’s presence the way I was in Baba’s presence.
Then again, I am – every day of my life. People who are only Love live on forever whenever we choose Love in the moment.
“Om Sri Sai Ram! Sai, Baba Sai, Sai Baba, Om”
Deliciously yours in the Love that is All, Linda
“Sweet Dreams are made of this…”
October 31, 2009
I’ve always loved writing…. more accurately, I’ve always loved words…. I read so much as a child that my mother was always calling through my bedroom door, late at night – as I hung over the side of my bed with a flashlight so I could read “just a few more pages” of my latest novel – “Linda, stop that reading! It’s time to go to sleep….!” Reluctantly, I would lay down my book and close my eyes — to continue the stories in my dreams of far away places and exciting men and women doing adventurous things…
I made up my mind that I, too, would be one of those adventurous souls; that I, too, would write exciting and revealing stories of insight and revelation and love — and love lost….
When I went to college, it was just so natural for me to choose English Literature as my major…. the chance to go to school and have to read ten to fifteen books a week? Wow! This was not work, this was love, this was exciting…! This was permission to do what I had always wanted to do…. Sweet!
The writing naturally flowed out of that… An assigned paper was not just something to get done – it was something that could be a work of art… I was never happy until it flowed the right way, the words were musical to the ear, the grammar was impeccable….
I’ve been writing all my life – but this is the first time I’ve ever let anyone read what I’ve written… I never knew why. I’ve often come up with great ideas to write about… and write them, I have….. I have journals and pages and notebooks everywhere — reminding me of stories yet to be written, novels yet to be formulated, pithy little “how to” books yet to be organized….
They sit there still, never developed, never having that last dollop of imagination and sheer will needed to get them into manuscript form….
A few years ago, I was a coach in a course that was all about creating the life of your dreams…. “What comes out of your mouth creates your life….” and “Speak your dreams…..” are the mantras of the education. What we learned is that, if you are stopped in any area of your life, there was an earlier, similar time that created a block – and this course was about “un-blocking” the blocks — and seeing ourselves as limitless and creative — and that anything is possible….
One night, I worked with my participants on their dreams. We went around the room and each person spoke of the secret dreams they had — what they would have and what they would do… one day… someday… but not now….
My job was to get each person present to what was standing in the way — what was that earlier, similar time that lived for them in the background as why they couldn’t have that NOW…? I was really in there with them to release that block and create a new possibility…. A new possibility that included that dream — that way of being that would make that dream come true… a new possibility for a new life…..
It was a long night…. at the end of the evening, I thought we were done when one of my participants, Peter, said to me, “Linda, what is YOUR dream…?” I hesitated… then I said it for the first time:
“I want to be a writer…”
Peter didn’t leave it at that…. He said, “So, why aren’t you?”
I couldn’t answer him.
He went on, “Linda, you know this education well enough to know that if you are not doing that – if you are stopped — there is an earlier, similar time that created the block to that…. Good God! That’s what we’ve been working on all night long!”
As I was shaking my head, “No” – I suddenly had a flash back to college and something that happened in one of my classes – and I knew that was it….
One of my courses was entitled, “The Novel to 1900”, and – as much as I love reading, this is one of those courses that really put that commitment to the test. I had to read between 3 and 5 novels a week for that course alone.
As part of the coursework, I had to write a paper on one or more of the novels – a topic of my own choosing. I chose to compare and contrast two novels that were very different in style, yet, I felt similar in quest – the quest for happiness or enligtnement – and worth pointing out. They were Voltaire’s “Candide” and Samuel Johnson’s “Rasselas”. While “Candide” is a satire and, hence, uses a naïve storyline to tell what Voltaire felt was a profound fact of human existance – that we live always in the best of all possible worlds; “Rasselas” is a direct story of a journey to seek enlightenment and raises the question “Can we, as humans, ever achieve happiness?”
That was my version of it, anyway – and, I handed in my paper, satisfied that I had made my point and that it was a good paper.
In class a few weeks later, the teacher handed out the graded papers to everyone in the room – except me. I was puzzled as I looked around to see that I was the only one who had not received her paper back.
I went to Douglass College, which is the womens’ college of Rutgers University, and this school had – and probably has to this day – an “Honor Board”. If it was felt that a student had done something untoward, they could be asked by a peer or a teacher or anyone in the school, to report themselves to the Honor Board.
When class was dismissed, I went to the Professor to get my paper, and – as all the other students were filing out of the classroom — the teacher told me that she was requesting that I report myself to the Honor Board – that she believed the paper was “too sophisticated and too rich” to have been written by a 19-year old.
She believed that I plagerized the paper.
I tried to maintain my composure, but could feel my cheeks burning as I fought back tears. I could sense, more than I could actually see, the other girls walking by me and staring – as I told the teacher that this was my idea, that I had not researched it anywhere – and, I stood my ground and stated that I was not reporting myself to the Honor Board because I didn’t do anything wrong.
The Professor told me that if I would not, she would do it for me.
Stunned, I walked out of the classroom and went directly to the ladies room, where I tried to wash the shame from my face and the red from my eyes — and tried to regain my composure for my next class. Other girls from my class were in there and none of them spoke to me. I felt ostracized and I felt numb – and I didn’t understand what just happened…
I waited for two weeks while the Honor Board researched my professor’s claim. At the end of that time, I received a letter from the board that they had investigated and did not find anything to support that I had plagerized the paper, either in concept or in content. I was instructed to go back to my professor to receive a grade.
I went back to my professor and showed her the letter from the Honor Board. She took it from me and read it for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, she looked up and said to me, “I don’t care what they say. I don’t believe you wrote that paper. I will not give you an ‘A’.” With that, she leaned over her desk and wrote a “B” on the paper and handed it back to me.
I never thought of that incident again until the night with my participants during the Wisdom Course. But, when I got it…. I got it…..
I realized that I had made a decision I didn’t know I made – after that time so many years ago — that I would never again put my writing out there for anyone to see or read or judge. And, every day since then it has been my secret love, my dream unspoken…. and something has been missing in my life….
With my Wisdom group, I created a possibility for myself that I would write and I would get it out there some way, and I would do it for myself and if people liked it, great… and if they didn’t, that was OK too….
Our dreams are for us…. and the living into them is for the world….. When we live our dreams, we give permission for everyone else to have their dreams, too… When we speak our dreams, it opens up a conversation in which all can participate – and then each person’s dreams look real and attainable….
Writing this blog has been a joy and a blessing for me…. and whenever any of you write to me and tell me that it has made a difference for you, that is a gift… and I thank you….
I also thank you, Candide, and I thank you, Rasselas, for making your journeys…. for in your journeys to find happiness, I have found mine…..
I know this now…. I am a writer….
…..and a dreamer….
and so are you….
Deliciously yours in the Magic of it All, Linda
“If you hear a voice within you saying ‘I am not a painter,’ then by all means, paint… and that voice will be silenced” … Vincent Van Gogh
“Everyone has a purpose in life… a unique gift or special talent to give to others. And when we blend this unique talent with service to others, we experience the ecstasy and exultation of our own spirit, which is the ultimate goal of all goals” – Deepak Chopra
This post was originally titled, “And this gives life to thee….” from William Shakespeare’s sonnet, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” I changed it because I think this title is more appropriate to the content. Thanks for understanding that this is a work in progress.
The Wisdom Course is a division of Landmark Education. Follow your dreams….. www.landmarkeducation.com
© Linda Ruocco and “Spiritual Chocolate”, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Linda Ruocco and “Spritiual Chocolate” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Thank you.
“Love One Another….”
April 7, 2009
A reminder of love in a world where love is often hidden…
Do we know the people we love? We say we do, we say we love them, we feel love when we think about them – and often, those real moments of love in which we can feel the love itself – are hidden in the folds of daily life, the worry that permeates our world in these times, the routine of automatic communication that leaves no room for the beauty of what love truly is.
When I first started in transformation education at Landmark Education, there was a course I took in which we had to create a “map” of our closest circle – those people who are in our lives on a regular basis, with whom we interact daily, or at least weekly, who create the fabric of our lives.
My map was virtually empty – my son and my ex-husband and a sprinkling of friends around the country. I realized that I didn’t have a circle – I didn’t have a community, I didn’t have many people with whom to weave a rich, textured fabric in my own life.
I went up to the leader, embarrassed to admit that my map was meager. She listened to me, looked at my almost empty page, and said, “Make them up!” I went back to my seat.
I stared at my map, stunned by her instruction, feeling silly and alone. After a few moments, I thought, “I have family. I rarely talk to them, but they are my family nevertheless. Why would I make people up when I have a whole family that I could be close to?”
In that moment, I took a stand that my family would be what I would transform for myself – I would get in communication, I would learn about their lives, I would be there for them, I would love them.
So, let me tell you about my brother, Ralph. He is strong and dependable and has always been there for his family. He’s not quite a year younger than I am – something we joke about, that we are the same age for four days out of the year. He’s married to his high school sweetheart and has four girls, Nicole, Tiffany, and the twins, Jacki and Julie. He is an engineer by education and worked at Rohm and Haas for all of his working years, retiring in January of 2007.
And he never talks. Not that he can’t talk – he doesn’t talk. Or he didn’t talk to me, anyway. To illustrate, I was in a car with him for a long ride about 10 years ago, babbling away in the seat beside him until I realized he hadn’t said anything for a quite some time. I said, “My jaws hurt from talking so much! It’s your turn. Tell me what has been going on with you.” After we laughed at the strange injury to my jaw, I shut up and we continued driving.
We rode in silence for 15 minutes. Finally, the silence was unbearable! I turned to him and said, “I can’t stand it any longer…! Aren’t you going to say anything?” We both laughed and that was the end of that. We continued on and I talked the entire time. I never did find out what was going on for him.
I had rarely seen or spoken to him since.
I took my stand for love and family. I started calling my brothers and sister… and little by little, I was invited to family events and dinners. The summer after, I was invited to my brother, Ralph’s, house in Avalon with his family for their yearly summer vacation.
Before I left, I actually thought about who I would BE in the presence of his family — I didn’t want it to go the way it’s always gone – a lot of automatic interactions, a lot of opinions and defenses, a lot of awkward moments – and my brother, once again silent in my presence. And so, I created myself as being Love, no matter what came up, no matter what anyone said — I would not babble, I would not lecture, I would not talk all the time – I would not defend my opinions or positions about anything. I would just let it all be the way it was and simply love them.
The week was beautiful — the grandchildren were there – Sophia, Luke, and Olivia — and so it had that magical quality that young children always bring to a space… laughing and running around and giggling – running into the waves at the beach and getting sand all over us — I let myself get carried away with it all.
Finally, on the last day I was there, everyone else had gone to the beach and my brother and I were talking at the house about the plant he had just finished building in Shanghai. He had spent almost 2 weeks out of every month traveling to China for the three years prior to his retirement. He mentioned that he had pictures of the plant.
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have asked to see them. My Goodness! It was a plant for — I didn’t even know what kind of products! This time, I heard something in my brother’s voice…. I asked to see the pictures. He seemed surprised but pulled out his laptop and started showing me hundreds of pictures of this project in Shanghai that had consumed his life for all this time.
The more pictures he showed me, the more he spoke — he pointed out the glass walls, the interior details, and the “water element” that the Chinese people believe is good luck… how challenging it was to create this side of the building or that pond…. I heard his admiration for the Chinese people and his love of their country…
I was looking at the pictures and I was glancing at my brother’s face… how animated he became as he spoke of something that he had devoted his life to over the past three years…! I realized that this was the first time I had ever truly listened to him. He had a whole life I never knew about – a passion that excited him and was a driving force in his life – all hidden from my view!
I was overwhelmed with love for him….
I was suddenly sorry that this had only come up on the last day. I wanted to sit there and listen to him for hours more… I didn’t want this time to end.
Soon, it was time for me to leave to take the bus back to Manhattan.
I gathered my belongings and positioned my suitcase by the door. I walked back to where my brother was sitting, now watching one of his favorite car races on television. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, “I love you so much,” I said and turned to go. I heard his voice as I walked away….
“Same here,” he said.
The tears came into my eyes, moved in a way that took me by surprise. I grabbed my suitcase and wheeled it out the door and down the street towards the bus stop.
I sat on the bench, waiting for the bus, thinking about my brother and all the things I never knew about him – not because he wasn’t willing to tell me but because I wasn’t open to hearing them. Before that, it was always about me and there was no room for him. For the first time, what was created was a space of love, devoid of me and my ego – that allowed the magnificence that he is – and always was — to rise up and shine!
I now know that love can only be seen in an empty space…. a space of allowing and giving and silence and presence…. a space where all is open to the love that is always there….
Like right here, right now…
Deliciously yours in the Glory of it all! Linda
“A new commandment I give to you, That you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” John 13:34
Here’s a picture of me and my brother, Ralph Ruocco.
© Linda Ruocco and “Spiritual Chocolate”, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Linda Ruocco and “Spritiual Chocolate” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Thank you.
“There am I in the midst of them…”
March 26, 2009
I always think of myself as generous and giving AND — guess what? I have found that my generosity is often tempered by what I think I can “get away with” and still look good, while protecting myself every step of the way. Last week, I got to see what true generosity can — and does — provide… an experience of Grace and Love…
Early in the week, I received an email from a friend – let’s call her Maddy — not someone so close to me, but more than an acquaintance – someone who is in the spiritual and transformational conversation with me, but not someone I regularly call or email. She was reaching out to her transformation “community” in order to find support around creating an opportunity for a plane ticket to a course in San Francisco that we are both taking together – in fact, we were heading there for the weekend last week. She found herself without a plane ticket to go – and, unless she was able to generate that ticket one way or another, it was now too late to get an inexpensive ticket – and she would not be able to come.
I read the email and my first instinct was to delete the message. “Not my responsibility….,” I thought.
Something stopped me.
What hit me is that I have often been in that very same situation – waiting until the last minute or thinking that money that I expected to come through would actually come in on time – only to have everything fall through and there I am left with no resources, no recourse – and feeling bereft and alone. As I looked at the email, I was inspired by how courageous she was to step out into the unknown and ask for help.
Yet, here I was, in not much better circumstances myself. Oh, I was going for the weekend, but it hadn’t been easy to pull that together. I had a reservoir of frequent flyer miles from which I had pulled in order to create my own ticket – and had not much more in the “kitty” from which to draw. I was saving what remained for my own ticket to the last weekend of the course in May.
That was two months away.
I called Maddy and offered to “create” a miracle with her. I told her that I had miles that I could give her in return for her working with me to generate my own plane ticket for May. We talked about it for a while, and she reluctantly declined. She didn’t want to put me — or herself, for that matter — in an uncomfortable situation in which she would feel obligated to “pay me back” for the free miles given to her now. We agreed to “stand together” in the space that anything could happen and that a miracle would arrive for her. I hung up the phone.
I think of myself as someone who steps out on the power of the Word every day of my life – “God provides” is not simply an aphorism to me. I put my faith and trust in God and He treats me like a “lily of the field” – I have never known Him to fail me. So, you can imagine….. Miracles happen often in my life….
I couldn’t shake the feeling all day that I had something to give and if I really believed in my faith and trust in God, I could give what I had and really “put my money where my mouth is” and create my own miracle for the trip in May.
I called her back – and this time, I freely offered the miles. Believe me, my ego – that part of me that thinks there isn’t enough for everyone – was screaming inside me, “How could you do this? What will you do when you need to go in May?”
My ego was no match for what was there in the space for both of us: creating and loving and Being…
What was there was an amazing Presence – a sense that this was greater than either one of us. Maddy told me that a miracle had already happened – she had half the flight already and only needed the one-way ticket back… As we made plans for how we would work that out the next day, we both let our walls down to each other and allowed for that there would be a way to have this work. We surrendered to the love in the space and said, “This shall be.”
I went back and forth all night between ego – wanting to keep everything for myself – and Self, knowing that by being willing to surrender to whatever it was that was there for me to do would give me riches beyond what frequent flyer miles could provide.
“A Course in Miracles” speaks of giving this way: “To give and to receive are one in truth,” (Lesson 108). The fact is I would have felt that something was missing if Maddy could not be there – I was being generous for myself as well as for her — “All that I give is given to myself.” The next morning, Maddy called to say that she had both ways on the ticket and that she didn’t need my miles after all – but – and this is a big “but” – we both knew that those tickets showed up in the clearing that we were being for her to come.
We are all powerful beyond anything we can imagine AND we do not walk this way alone. There is One Who is with us always… and it is easier to experience that when we stand together in love…
And…. Love is the thought that God is…
Deliciously yours in the Miracle of it all, Linda
“For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20
© Linda Ruocco and “Spiritual Chocolate”, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Linda Ruocco and “Spritiual Chocolate” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Thank you.
“Mighty Companions go with you…”
March 12, 2009
I am so very lucky! I have so many friends – younger than I am and older than I am, near to me and far away, men and women, people I haven’t seen in years and those I see every week, casual friends and close, intimate friends with whom I share the secrets of my soul…
I am so blessed…
It wasn’t always this way. There was a long stretch during which I was a virtual recluse… weeks that I didn’t go out of my apartment, years when I had no one in my home except for the occasional visit from my ex-husband and my son, when my phone lay silent in its cradle. I didn’t even know that I was missing anything. I had a few old friends around the country with whom I kept in contact every now and again, but they were the exceptions in my life and not the rule… Alone with my thoughts, safe and hidden away, I wasn’t very good company — least of all, for myself…
Fortunately, a series of events thrust me back into the world…
I had taken a job in Pennsylvania, and, shortly thereafter, just as I was planning to move there from Manhattan, I was told that the company was in trouble and the man who had hired me just a few short months before had left suddenly the previous day…
I didn’t know what to do – I didn’t know whether to move there anyway and try to make a go of it – a go at what? I didn’t know anyone, I had no friends and no home – I lived in The Wayne Hotel during the work week, where the only person I spoke to every day, outside my company, was the hotel waiter.
Finally, I could take no more…
I lay in bed one night, sad and lonely, and prayed: “Here’s my life, God. Please take it. I have no idea what I’m doing. Show me the way to make a difference in the world, make me a better person…. And, Oh — could I have some friends while you’re at it?”
Two days after that, a member of my “Course in Miracles” group called to invite me to an introduction at Landmark Education, an organization that offers transformation education to people who want to take their lives to the next step on the “power, freedom, and full self-expression” ladder. I didn’t want to go, but Steve had been so sweet to me since I joined the study group that I couldn’t bear to turn him down. I went. I listened. I registered into the Landmark Forum.
The next day, I woke up angry at Steve. I called him and complained – I suppose my ego felt really threatened. Doing “this thing” was something new, something different – it felt like a violation of my invisibility that I seemed to treasure above all else. I accused him of “coercing me” – he listened and said nothing. At the end, he just loved me and stood in that I could choose…
Something wouldn’t let me cancel it. I resigned myself to doing it, even though the moment of value that I had glimpsed the night before in the introduction was long gone and forgotten….
The weekend of my Landmark Forum was a blur of breakdowns followed by breakthroughs… I don’t remember everything… but, I do remember that, at one point, someone asked the leader, Sophie, why she did this work and she said, “As long as there is one child starving in Africa, I will be a Landmark Forum leader…” My head said, “What do starving children in Africa have to do with the Landmark Forum? I thought this was supposed to be about ME!”
Thankfully, my heart heard something else…
When we raise our level of consciousness, the awareness of love increases. When the awareness of love increases, compassion increases. When compassion increases, we can no longer turn a blind eye to the sadness and pain in the world. We leave behind simply worrying about our own little “self” – and step into putting our Higher Self out there in the world to be of service.
In the course of all the work I’ve done in Landmark Education over these past four years, my anger and impatience has become a thing of the past, my life is given by making a difference in the world, and — Oh, by the way, I now have so many friends that I’ve long ago run out of fingers and toes on which to count them….
In one of my leadership courses last year, as my ego was “burned off” in the doing of the work, I became close with a group of women in the year-long class. We were united in that most precious of all endeavors – being there for each other as we revealed our deepest fears – those fears that we found out were similar to everyone else’s fears – those fears that keep us small and invisible and hidden away from the world, those fears that keep us from our own Greatness…
In this group of women, all ages are represented: one in her 20’s, one in her 30’s, two in their 40’s, one in her 50’s, two in their 60’s and one at 70 years old. When we are together, you would never know the difference – there is no ego, there is no age, there are no “shoulds,” there is nothing there but love…. I call them my Magnificent Seven…. When I am with them, I feel like I can do anything….!
There is a passage in “A Course in Miracles” in the Manual for Teachers that speaks of the different stages one goes through on the way to a trust in God that banishes all fear and doubt. In this passage, we are cautioned that we have come a long way at a certain point, AND there is a long way still to go: “Yet when he is ready to go on, he goes with mighty companions beside him. Now he rests a while, and gathers them before going on. He will not go on from here alone.”
I am truly blessed… as is everyone who takes on growing and creating and inventing and serving and loving …. We do not go into Heaven alone…. We are meant to love each other… and to make the journey together…
To Anat and Raquel and Gretchen and Dale and Kate and Patricia and Verna… and to all my Mighty Companions everywhere….
I love you with all my heart…
Deliciously yours in the Glory of it all…. Linda
© Linda Ruocco and “Spiritual Chocolate”, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Linda Ruocco and “Spritiual Chocolate” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Thank you.
Hero ’til the Morning Light….
February 18, 2009
We all need a little yummy dollop of something these days – I’ve started turning my television off for the news – if it isn’t the stock market, it’s a plane crash — and Oh, so much sadness for everyone!
What WAS worth watching and listening to over and over again was that Magnificent Miracle on the Hudson and OH, MY HERO! “Sully” Sullenberger – ain’t he grand?
Speaking of heroes, I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to relationship… so here goes:
For a long time, I wouldn’t let myself think about finding a soul mate to love because I was holding it that I had already found my soul mate, married him, then divorced him — not that quickly, of course – there WAS a whole lot of spiritual chocolate in there, I tell you! He was my Hero then and he is my Hero now…. And we’re friends to this day, but not meant to be together anymore — not in this life anyway….
So, who was there for me?
No answer.
I wasn’t concerned. I thought… “It’s not a high priority for me”; “I’m great on my own”; “Whew, I don’t have to answer to anybody”; and – my favorite – “I’ve got too much to do to make time for a relationship!”
Little by little, it dawned on me that while I knew – or thought I knew – why I wasn’t interested in a relationship – I noticed that no one seemed to be interested in me, either! Hmmm……
Then, I got it. I was walking around like, “I met my soul mate already. You’re not him. So, how would you like to be ‘second-best?’”
Apparently, no one did.
So, I started looking at “soul mate” and what that means. Is there only one for each of us?
I’m a student of “A Course in Miracles” and the Course says that we’re all One. A lot of people give a lot of lip service to that, but what exactly does that mean? If we are “All One” in spirit, then there really is only One of us here, right? So, why does it seem like there are 6.8 Billion separate people on the planet?
Well, I don’t know if I can answer centuries’ old questions in my sweet little blog, but I do know one thing – for me, anyway…..
On the level of Self, there IS only one of us here…. and that’s where the love is…. All of this “stuff” walkin’ around here is Who we think we are…. and, Boy!! Aren’t we annoying sometimes?
….and beautiful sometimes, and sweet sometimes, and fearful sometimes, and just trying to stay alive sometimes……
Under it all, we are simply Love and there’s only One and One means not “me, alone,” but “we”. And, every time we get that, and don’t pay attention to the “stuff”, there is something special there, right?
I think that my ex-husband, Fred, and I managed to look past the “stuff” and get to the heart underneath it all – and that’s when we “recognized” our own Self and loved each other with all our hearts. And that love will never go away. It looks different now, sure – but it’s there forever.
What I did finally get for myself is that I can do that with anyone! And everyone! Well, for relationship purposes, let’s keep that to anyOne….. I just have to be willing to look past the “stuff”.
Everyone is my soul mate!
That doesn’t mean that “my stuff” will fit with everyone else’s “stuff” – and vice versa — we’re still here, after all…..
Being willing and being vulnerable and being loving and being interested….. Sounds pretty great – and pretty scary……
My possibility is being in relationship with all my heart! He’ll show up – when I show up!
Well, “Sully” is married, so he’s out…..
Here I go, dancing down the street, arms thrown out and scarf blowing in the wind, “I’m holding out for a hero.. A hero ‘til the morning light… He’s got to be strong and he’s got to be soon and he’s got to be larger than life…..”
You are all my heros!!
Deliciously yours in the Glory of it all, Linda
© Linda Ruocco and “Spiritual Chocolate”, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Linda Ruocco and “Spritiual Chocolate” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Thank you.