“I feel the Earth Move under my feet…”

March 11, 2011

Yesterday, my ex-husband told me he got married.  He told me in December that he was going to get married, so it shouldn’t have hurt.

It shouldn’t have hurt, but it did.  It shouldn’t have hurt because we split 17 years ago, but it did — and it does — hurt.

I thought we were best friends, and we were – and probably still are – when I get over mourning this marriage that was over 17 years ago.

I don’t know why it was such a surprise or why I am hurt or why it should make a difference.  but, it does.

I say I don’t know why it hurts, but I do.  And, it doesn’t have anything to do with him.  It has to do with something that happened with my father when I was 10.

That’s when I found the note from  my father’s girlfriend in my mother’s dresser drawer.  I don’t remember much except she said…

She said, “I know you can’t leave your family,” and it was signed, “I love you, Ray.”  Ray was my sister’s god-mother and my father’s secretary.  I knew her.

I was dumbstruck like a silly putty gob stuck to the carpet.  My mother walked in, saw me with the letter, took it…

My mother took the letter out of my hands and said, “You shouldn’t be reading that.”  She folded it up, put it in her pocket and walked out of the room.

I have been holding my whole life together ever since so that no one would leave.  And they all do.  Even if they stay, I make them leave.

I construct the leaving so they can’t stop the leaving in a certain way.  Even after they’ve left, it’s stuck like a tree stuck…

Like a tree stuck in the ground, growing away, away, away, but the roots are in the same place, giving even the growing a grounding…

That it can’t get away from.  I wonder if the leaves know they are part of the roots or do they think they’re free?

I am the earth.

I am the earth and I know better.

Deliciously yours in the Bittersweetness of it All,   Linda

“Release from the bondage of the earth is not freedom to the tree.”  Rabindranath Tagore

© Linda Ruocco and “Spiritual Chocolate”, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Linda Ruocco and “Spiritual Chocolate”  with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.  Thank you.

5 Responses to ““I feel the Earth Move under my feet…””

  1. I like it “I have the consciousness of being the Earth move under my feet…” « SpiritualChocolate now im your rss reader

  2. Doug Longo said

    Dear Linda
    Thanks for sharing these these very troubling expreiences.My ex-wife never remarried.Had she done so my very selfish reaction would have been concern about having my status as a father and grandfather curtalled by a competing step parent.When she died last November I grieved the loss of a my son’s mother and granddaughters’ Nanni.I felt a sense of security knowing that she was there for them.I did’nt even mind that she had always been the more influential parent/grandparent.Guess I may have matured a little.Hope you can still be great friends with your ex and even his new wife.
    Take care!

    • spiritualchocolate said

      Thanks, Doug.. It’s actually over now. I’m glad that I finally grieved – in a funny way, it felt good to do that, to get complete with it. Love, Linda xo

      • Doug Longo said

        Dear Linda
        Just checking in to see if there was a new posting.I’m glad that you have have gotten over your ex-husbands marriage.I have found(and you probably already knew it)that when something bothers us it is best to ackknowledge it and confront it.Pretending that it doesn’t bother us or should not bother us,never seems to work.Hope you had a great Easter and are having a great Spring.
        Take Care!

      • spiritualchocolate said

        Dear Doug, Well, you missed the new one by one day. It’s up now. As for my ex-husband — no, the pain is still very real, but that’s because it is a pain that has been beneath the surface for many years… even since childhood and something else that happened. I do what is before me to do every day…… Love, Linda xoxo

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